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Lady_Kelacy
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Name: Katherine
Gender: Female
Interests: I enjoy a lot of artsy things but my life is mostly about my little boy :). He is the absolute joy of my life. Writing, however, does run neck and neck at times.
Expertise: Editing, English in general, Sarcasm, etc. so on and so forth.
Occupation: Student, Mother and whatever e
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
9/27/2004
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| Life has had many twists and turns lately, which should really come as no surprise to me anymore, but alas I have been once again overwhelmed with the sporadic nature of, well, life. I had so much to say but sitting down to write it out, it all seems to have flown from me mind. There are tidbits of conversations floating through my mind, unresolved and partially digested. I am finding myself hungry to return to the classroom. I also find myself at a loss of how to deal with some of my husband's family's ways of dealing with life. I'm sorry, but life is a process not a conglomeration of instantaneous results. *sigh* Many long stories go with these ramblings. | | |
| Ironically, over the last couple of days I have watched Solaris and What Dreams May Come, both dealing with death and the hereafter. I need to go rent The Fountain or maybe put it on my birthday/Christmas wish list. People are starting to ask what we'd like and unfortunately "moolah" doesn't seem an acceptable answer. I'm sorry life's hard, but I'd much rather have help getting my car fixed or paying for Alexander's school than having chocolate dipped peppermint stick shoved down my throat.
Anyways, I'm kind of freaking out. My tests came back abnormal, "benign but can't rule out high risk" is what the lab tech wrote as a note to my doc. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Is it just another way of saying we don't know what's wrong with you? Probably. They can't be too worried though, they scheduled my next appointment to run more tests three months out.
I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know anything. The doctor won't know anymore than I do until they run more tests. I have a follow up in about a month with my doc to see how my medication is working and I fully plan on having a bullet list of questions to barrage her with. Especially the one hubby asked, "if something developes, how will it affect conception". Another one in my head right now is, if they're benign and I get plregnant, will the hormonal changes jumpstart them frmo benign to malicious?
I feel like I've brought my husband nothing but trouble. Much as he loves me I really have to wonder, if things do go bad with this, do I really want to make him watch me deteriorate? Do I want my son to watch that? Would it be better or worse if I just took myself out of the equation at that point, if I wasn't going to be getting better?
My mind is doing it again, it's creating one universe next to another playing out the possibilities from good to bad to worse. It's caught between spinning and storytelling and planning and just plain old emotional spasms. I've known I'm high risk for cancer for a long time, it's all over my mom's side of the family but I still feel shocked and scared at the news. Especially with Uncle Jerry just passing away on Saturday. | | |
| I finally figured out what's been going on with me these last few days. I feel alienated. I ask people how they are and the toss a conditioned "I'm fine" or such back. Lie to me, great. Lying to me has always been one of the easiest ways to hurt me. And they are obviously not fine. My husband's uncle died Friday. Hubby admits it hasn't hit him yet that Uncle Jerry is really gone but when it does it'll be big. Hubby's little brother doesn't seem to know how to feel, the most honest out of the bunch. I don't expect hubby's mother to break down sobbing and confide in me like I was her best friend. I am respectfully trying to help those who ask it of me or those whom I can help without intruding too much but while still being supportive. Any sort of emotional connectivity my hubby's family and I seem to have had has vanished. I am geographically stuck with having to deal with his family on at least a weekly basis in one way or another. I don't even speak with members of my own family that often. I like the space. I need the space. Now, after so much time with them, after so much effort trying to make things work with them, they are justifiably and understandably withdrawing from "non-family" connections to deal with a family tragedy. I'm not unaffected by the death. I met him, he was funny, he was no one extraordinarily special to me, but he was a fellow human being and being who I am knowing of loss of life deeply affects me. Watching my husband walk around like there's a piece of his brain that fell off and is rattling around affects me. Having been sick affects me. His family's tolerance of my existence vanishing affects me. His request to help him relinquish his parental rights to his estranged daughter for the sake of her best interests affects me. All these things play a part within the emotional orchestra playing in the background of my days and there are moments when that soundtrack is so loud I just want the entire world to go silent so I might be able to hear myself think. | | |
| I'm in the ER because even after two nebulizer treatments at home I still couldn't breathe. The guy in the bed next to me started throwing up blood and just got trached. I was already scared... | | |
| So, it's been a while since I've posted anything. This is largely due to the fact that I have not been sleeping at night with my husband gone on his training. He'll be home this weekend and I look forward to being able to turn the lights off secure in the knowledge that my husband is there with me if something were to happen. It'll be nice to be able to turn the lights off without my heart racing away from me. More pictures to come soon if they're any good. Spending any time conscious exhausted is not a fun state of existence. Hopefully after a little rest I'll be back to posting more than anyone wants to read.  | | |
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