Ironically, over the last couple of days I have watched Solaris and What Dreams May Come, both dealing with death and the hereafter. I need to go rent The Fountain or maybe put it on my birthday/Christmas wish list. People are starting to ask what we'd like and unfortunately "moolah" doesn't seem an acceptable answer. I'm sorry life's hard, but I'd much rather have help getting my car fixed or paying for Alexander's school than having chocolate dipped peppermint stick shoved down my throat.

Anyways, I'm kind of freaking out. My tests came back abnormal, "benign but can't rule out high risk" is what the lab tech wrote as a note to my doc. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Is it just another way of saying we don't know what's wrong with you? Probably. They can't be too worried though, they scheduled my next appointment to run more tests three months out.

I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know anything. The doctor won't know anymore than I do until they run more tests. I have a follow up in about a month with my doc to see how my medication is working and I fully plan on having a bullet list of questions to barrage her with. Especially the one hubby asked, "if something developes, how will it affect conception". Another one in my head right now is, if they're benign and I get plregnant, will the hormonal changes jumpstart them frmo benign to malicious?

I feel like I've brought my husband nothing but trouble. Much as he loves me I really have to wonder, if things do go bad with this, do I really want to make him watch me deteriorate? Do I want my son to watch that? Would it be better or worse if I just took myself out of the equation at that point, if I wasn't going to be getting better?

My mind is doing it again, it's creating one universe next to another playing out the possibilities from good to bad to worse. It's caught between spinning and storytelling and planning and just plain old emotional spasms. I've known I'm high risk for cancer for a long time, it's all over my mom's side of the family but I still feel shocked and scared at the news. Especially with Uncle Jerry just passing away on Saturday.