Today with the Ex actually went really well. The hand off, the pick up, we even spent, somehow I haven’t quite figured out yet, more time together as the three of us then we had to. True, he lost Alexander’s dental and vision cards, but he seemed sincerely apologetic about it and offered his own coverage card as it contained the same information and would work as well. He was polite and respectful, which is a change for our communications in general.

Spending non-confrontational time together was nice, I’ll admit it. Watching him actually playing with Alexander, and Alexander giggling away, was nice as well. Yes, I saw the indications of emotional trauma as well, today, and the lasting symptoms of its imprinting which made my heart ache. My son, naturally, still wants his parents to be together, he made that very clear today. “Ah, Baby, I’m sorry it didn’t work out” just doesn’t heal a child’s broken heart.

I hope I can raise my son in such a way as to encourage his beautiful heart. I also hope that, someday he can forgive his father and I’s failings and relational/emotional incompetence that led to the creation of a life without a family to support it. We have done our child wrong, yes, but the best and only thing, in my mind, to be done from now on is the utmost to do the best by him possible. I cannot speak for his father, but I hope that is his intent. After speaking with him today as we did, that hope seems to be given a glimmer of reason to have existed at all. I am happy for the care I saw today.

Ideally, I would like to be able to spend time with the Ex amicably. That would be the easiest thing for all three of us. I understand that might be difficult to achieve given the emotional sensitivity that might still exist between us, but I think that as adults it is possible to communicate without pushing one’s buttons and to forgive the accidental poke.

Perhaps I am spinning dreams into the night as smoke upon prayers’ wings. It’s possible. Entirely. But... so are a great many things in this world.

In speaking with my husband tonight, which I truly needed to be honest, I found myself only missing him more after missing him so badly already. I made cookies for him last yesterday with cherries, blueberries, cranberries, lots of berries in them. I had to chop up the cherries and cranberries like crazy, cut myself while doing it. No blood, though, washed the knife, we were good.

I want him home, to be honest. I really, really do. I thought the whole deployment thing would be difficult but doable. It’s been REALLY difficult, still doable, but jeez. Especially with going through court with the Ex and the emotional ups and downs Alexander’s been going through and job hunting and everything else. I really just wanted him home to cuddle up to on the couch in bed tonight, share my worries with, share my joys, me desires, just be here and home.